“persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed—”
2 Corinthians 4:9 NKJV
I’m writing this post amid loss, hoping to encourage myself and anyone else who is going through grief, uncertainty, or heartbreak.
On April 5, 2024, my husband and I discovered we were expecting our third child. We were shocked, excited, and overwhelmed by the hope of God!
Days before finding out, God put a song in my head for the days to come: “Goodness of God”. With the words “all my life You have been faithful…” playing in my head repeatedly.
I had also found myself saying, “If God thinks I can handle a third child, then I can handle a third child”.
And sure enough, my pregnancy test showed that wonderful positive sign.
During this time, I felt excited, hopeful, nervous, anxious, and so hungry!
That night, my husband and I went into preparation mode to find a bigger place to move and look at minivans. Amid anxiety, God continuously spoke to me through my devotions about His faithfulness, hope, and His ability to do the impossible.
At this point, I KNEW He was going to work everything out.
A week later, I started having sharp pains in my pelvis. I had these pains pre-pregnancy, so I wasn’t too concerned. But the pain lasted and came back the next day. So, I found myself in the ER to get checked out.
I was told it was most likely round ligament pain, but that I would be examined, and blood work would be drawn.
As I anxiously awaited my test results on the hospital app, I felt like everything was probably fine. I had that lingering hope.
Then the HCG results came in. What once was 1,377 miu/ml of HCG now dropped to 1,026 miu/ml. I frantically woke up my husband and told him this was not good. But still, I had lingering hope. My husband was even more hopeful than I was as we awaited my ultrasound results.
The doctor came in and told me his concerns with my dropping HCG levels (they should have been doubling at this stage), he also mentioned his concern that the baby was not at the developmental stage it should have been by this point. Now, I wasn’t concerned with the ultrasound findings because my OB nurse told me that because I was only 5.5 weeks along, it would be hard to see much on the scan. Beyond that, we were told in my previous pregnancy that our baby didn’t have a heartbeat yet and here we are, 2 years later with a healthy toddler. So, I knew it might be too soon to see anything accurate.
That didn’t stop the tears from rolling because the doctor proceeded to tell us that most likely miscarriage was imminent. I was told to wait 2 days to get my levels rechecked and follow up with my OB.
So, we went home. And waited. I made sure to try to relax, hoping this would protect the baby, we prepared our eldest for the possibility of something being wrong with the baby, and we prayed and hoped.
I spent hours searching the internet, searching for success stories of dropping HCG levels. I intently researched the doctor’s notes and made comparisons with my previous scare with my last baby. I had a lingering hope, though I almost knew what this all meant.
On April 15, I woke up to the feeling of bleeding. At this point, I was devastated because I knew what was happening. Though the smallest sliver of hope remained. How? I put my trust in the Almighty because I knew He was the only one who could make a miracle happen.
I was taken to the ER again for an evaluation of the bleeding. My HCG levels were checked again. The ultrasound repeated. When I saw the numbers, I was sure my baby was dying. They had now dropped to the 900’s. The ultrasound then concluded there were no longer any signs of life in my uterus.
“Why is He doing this?”, I asked my husband. “Why did He give me hope for this baby to rip it away?”
I now think that He was preparing me for this moment of loss. I had that lingering hope because He knew what would happen. He knew I would be in despair. He knew our family would mourn. He knew I would be upset. He knew I would question Him.
And no matter what, I know I don’t even deserve life, let alone be blessed with the beautiful life I have. I don’t feel entitled to having another baby. And I know God is still faithful and still good.
I never knew I could feel these things in such a time as this. That is God. He is my strength.
He has also surrounded me and my family with a great support system of family and friends who have bathed us in love and prayer.
While I thought He was giving me hope for a future that included our new addition, He was giving me hope for my future after loss.
A day after this devastating news, I woke up to a text from my dad telling me that God gave him a word to tell me. He empathized and encouraged me to stay faithful to God and love Him during a time when things didn’t pan out the way I hoped.
This was further proof that God was preparing me to find hope in Him when all hope was lost.
I’m hurting. Physically, emotionally, mentally, I’m hurting. But somehow, I feel a ray of hope deep inside.
God can use something heartbreaking for something good.
“to provide for those who mourn in Zion; to give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, festive oil instead of mourning, and splendid clothes instead of despair. And they will be called righteous trees, planted by the Lord to glorify him.”
Isaiah 61:3 CSB
My pain doesn’t feel good in any way. And we’ve had people say things that are rude, insulting, and discouraging, which can be a hindrance in the healing process.
Loss is heartbreaking; I’m not diminishing that. It takes a toll on our bodies, minds, and souls. This is why it is crucial to be surrounded by people who will not only lift you physically, but spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. And if we hang on to Jesus, hope will abide through Him. He is our strength. He is our hope. He loves us. He mourns with us. He comforts us.
To those out there dealing with a loss, I am so sorry. I hope you are surrounded by a community that will comfort and encourage you. If not, please reach out, and don’t be afraid to seek help.
I hope you take comfort in knowing that God is with you. He mourns with us, but He also has the power to give us joy and hope during the storm and use it for our good even when we don’t see it.
“May the God of peace be with all of you. Amen.”
Romans 15:33 CSB
Graceful Warriors 
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