Finding the Good

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.”
– ‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭8‬ ‭NKJV‬

I am coming to you today with a topic near my heart and speaks to my current trial. A topic that I’m sure we can all relate to: finding the good amidst trials.

A couple weeks ago I had planned to write a future blog with good news of a rainbow baby. However, I am writing amidst another loss. But don’t worry, this blog is not about the bleakness of life. Rather, it is a blog meant to encourage myself and all of you to think of the good.

We found out we were expecting our rainbow baby on our oldest daughter’s birthday. Yay! Right? Well, kind of. If you’ve read my “Beauty for Ashes” blog, you know that I suffered a miscarriage only 6 months back. So, naturally, the news of another pregnancy came with anxiety, fear, and doubt.

Yes, my heart was excited about another addition to our family. My husband was ecstatic (as usual) and so full of hope. Meanwhile, I kept my expectations very low and looked at each day with uncertainty.

This type of thinking only lasted a few days before I had to reach out to my pastor and small group for prayer. With the prayers from my spiritual leaders, encouragement from my husband, and the peace of God, I was able to find hope that things were going to be ok.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;”

– Philippians 4:6

A few days passed as we passed the point in the pregnancy when we lost our last child. Hope grew as I experienced stronger pregnancy symptoms, rising HCG levels, and no pain. Though I still struggled with some doubt, I remembered to pray the word of God and sought encouragement from my husband multiple times a day.

Then the day came when I started experiencing some symptoms that were technically still normal in a pregnancy but not common with any of my pregnancies and still led me to believe I needed to be evaluated. After a quick call to my OB and a visit to the ER, things were still looking rather normal. However, I did notice my HCG levels were rising, but not doubling. The doctors weren’t too concerned at the time.

However, as I became more uncomfortable, I strongly suggested I see my OB the next day. My husband was hopeful. Heck, even I had some hope hanging by a thread.

I knew right away when my OB was looking rather intense while we eagerly searched for my growing baby on the ultrasound screen, that something was not right. Then, we found the baby. Heartbeat and all. But our little blueberry was not growing in the right place.

My heart sank. I even saw the sadness on the faces of my OB and MA of 6 years as I broke down in tears.

I frantically texted my husband who was home watching our girls at the time that our baby was growing and had a heartbeat but that the doctor was concerned that it was not growing in the right place. He didn’t know what that meant. And I don’t blame him. Most people are unaware of what an ectopic pregnancy is or what happens next. But I knew.

I knew that this meant we had to make some very hard decisions very fast because my life was now in danger. Before my doctor even went over options with me, I also knew that because of the location of the baby and my past history with reproductive surgeries, we would not only lose our baby, but the ability to have children naturally.

The next day, I was scheduled to have our baby and my remaining fallopian tube removed.

Ok, that’s it for the bleak. I’m sorry if that was really heavy but it is part of my story and is the motivation behind this blog.

Once I knew what was going to happen and had a good cry after leaving the OB office that day, I felt a sense of peace and strength.

“…and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

– Philippians 4:7

There is NO WAY that I had anything to do with this. It was all God and I know it. No matter my feelings of anger toward Him for not saving my baby, I know that He gave me these two things that would get me through something I told Him that I could not handle.

As I started prepping for the next day’s surgery, I felt the need to take the time to pray with my doctor/surgical team before going into surgery. This is not something I normally do and usually feel very nervous about. However, I felt there were more pressing matters to be concerned with than worrying about my doctor’s response regarding by request to pray.

I still had some nerves that morning about what I felt God was asking me to do. Then I happened to open up my Bible app and found this verse:

“The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.”

– Philippians 4:9 NKJV

I knew immediately that I had to do this and had peace about it. When the opportunity arose, I asked to pray with my doctor and he was receptive. It moved me to see how the prayer affected Him and I knew that it was the presence of God. I was filled with peace knowing that I had done what God asked and that I would now go into surgery hoping everything would be ok.

Of course, we prayed that God would work a miracle and that my doctor would find the baby was in the right place and he was wrong. Though God did not make that miracle happen, my case was a miracle. We learned after the procedure that we made it to the hospital in time because my fallopian tube had partially ruptured and my doctor was so surprised that I was not experiencing some of the more serious effects of that.

Beyond that, God gave me the peace and strength I needed to make it through a surgery that was going to result in my pregnancy and fertility loss.

Whatever you’re going through today, know that God hasn’t left you. He is right with you. In fact, He hates to see us in pain and grieving. There is a purpose behind everything. I hate this phrase during times like this but I know it’s true.

I will not pretend that I am fully ok. In fact, I am upset. I am heartbroken. I am devastated at the losses our family has experienced. But as we were driving past the beautiful trees that have taken on their fall colors, my daughter and husband pointed out that even though the leaves are dying, they are so beautiful when they turn colors. At that moment, God gave me the inspiration for this blog (much to my chagrin). Even though we live in a dying world, we can still find so much beauty.

During this time of great loss, God helped me remember that my husband and I have two beautiful children that we thought we’d never be able to have. He helped me keep in the forefront of my mind that I have my family right in front of me and I want to make each day count.

I encourage you to reach out to God today if you’re struggling to find the good. If you’re struggling with hopelessness, doubt, anxiety, and fear, reach out to someone who will encourage you in the Lord.

Amidst this, we were surrounded by friends and family who prayed, brought us meals, gave flowers, and baked amazing treats. It is because of them that I remain encouraged in the Lord. It is because of God that I am still here and hoping for a better tomorrow.

I know this was a long read. I hope that my story can encourage you that even in the darkest moments, God is there. He shows up in ways we can’t even explain and gives us courage beyond what we ever thought we could muster up. God helped me be strong during a scary medical situation, helped me have peace in uncertainty, gave me the courage to pray with my doctor, and it is a miracle that I am here to write this story and have miracle babies on Earth and in heaven.

My heart goes out to all of you going through a trial. I pray that God moves in your heart, life, and circumstance today.

Remember, look for the good. Even if you have to search high and low, near and far. It is there because God is there.

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness, and broke away their chains.”

– Psalms 107:13-14